The number one perspective that keeps me Alcohol Free at social events.

My Earl Grey tea and my friends Expresso Martini's pre-Kylie

Disclaimer.

This blog post offers a raw, unfiltered look at my personal journey with alcohol and sobriety. It is written for the 'grey area drinker', and sober curious communities. Please brace yourself for direct language that is intended to provide a jolt of perspective for those questioning their relationship with alcohol.

There's no sugar-coating in this content. Expect candid observations and challenging viewpoints that may push you out of your comfort zone. My aim is to spark honest self-reflection but not be a replacement for professional advice. If you're looking for a gentle exploration of alcohol use, this might not be for you.

So, are you ready for some potentially uncomfortable truths and have your long-held beliefs about alcohol shaken? Read on.

Firstly, alcohol presents an illusion.

I stopped drinking alcohol nearly four years ago. Recently I have had a flurry of social events: birthdays, the Euros and seeing Kylie at Hyde Park this weekend. I found myself reflecting on - How I am able to sail through these events without a desire for a drink, even when everyone around me is drinking?

I've realised the way I see it is, my feet are on the ground when I am not drinking alcohol. If I drink alcohol I am on a tightrope. And I choose not to step on the tightrope because I have learnt that, for me, it's an illusion.

 It's exciting to step up onto the tightrope. We get high, literally, and that feeling lasts for about 20 minutes which we don't consciously register. We want to stay on the tightrope because we feel confident up there, and everyone else looks like they are having a good time, this is what we do together as adults right?!

When that initial feeling begins to wear off, we drink some more to get the high again without realising that it will never be at the level that it was first at. We are trapped with a need for more. Plus our friends are on their tightropes and we don't want to be different to them. We want that high again so we keep drinking.

Unregulated behaviours that always come from drinking

The more we drink, the more our feet stick to the tightrope. At the same time, the part of our mind that is responsible for regulating our behaviours melts away under intoxication.

We get unsteady on the tightrope, and yet we are still unable to get off it. What kinds of unregulated behaviours do we see in ourselves and others when they have drunk?

• Obsessing over a point that is pointless?

• Repeating ourselves?

• Dwelling on things we are not happy with in our lives?

• Explosive reactions to things that are relatively small?

• Extreme emotions such as upset, anger or even happiness?

• Disconnection from others or a complete lack of personal space and boundaries?

By this point we are seriously wobbly but determined to stay on the tightrope. One foot is off and we are unbalanced in every way as the depressant is permeating every single cell in our body. Eventually we fall into a survival sleep, as opposed to sober reviving sleep.

The body is working so hard to process alcohol it actually has to make another poison to do that which is exhausting. We wake up feeling unrefreshed, craving sugar and fatty foods to get us going. We go through the day swearing that we will never get back on the tightrope again. But its not long before that tightrope begins to shimmer in gold again and other people add to that attraction with their persuasive encouragement. How many days is it before you have recovered from the previous topple, and before you know it, you are back on that tightrope.

The same thing happens. Again and again. Even when the tightrope is in different contexts - wedding, birthdays, work events. The pattern never changes. But the reliance of the tightrope is re-enforced every time you get on it. Its shimmer and shine is too attractive to ignore and why should we, everyone else gets on theirs?

Our belief systems

We accept that this is how we must operate. We are addicted to getting on the tightrope, getting stuck on it, toppling off it, suffering for it in every way, and getting back on. We are closed off to other beliefs available to us about socialising. We strategise for our time on the tightrope by doing things like getting our driving jobs done in the morning so we can have a drink after midday. We believe in it so much and can't comprehend that it is possible to enjoy time with your friends with your feet on the ground instead.

We honestly believe that even stepping on it for a little while is ok, the wobble isn't as noticeable and it won't do us any damage. What we don't see is even a little bit of time on that tightrope does damage, because it’s a depressant. It creates stress which enforces the belief that we need it. The attractive illusion.

Keeping your feet on the ground

When you stop getting on the tightrope, its shimmer and shine weakens and eventually it disappears. I am just on the ground now enjoying my time with friends until my energy levels have naturally settled and it's time to go home, or go to bed. I find there is more to do on the ground, more things to explore. I am no longer organising my life around the tightrope and life has opened up more.

These days, I am an observer of others getting on their alcohol tightrope. Then they start to wobble and get unsteady, they suffer the next day and sometimes the day after that. I watch it and think to myself 'I am pleased I don't do that anymore. What a waste of time'.

I often end up in conversations with people about it. You'll be pleased to know I am not as direct in person as I am being here :)

What I have noticed, is that people own common beliefs about alcohol:

Common limiting beliefs about alcohol	My reflection
I can't go out without it	Really? You can't walk on the ground? What about when you go out for a coffee?
It helps me relax	Try just relaxing. Literally there are hundreds of ways to relax. Find one that works for you.
It gives me confidence	Learn to be confident without it - that is the game changer. Learn to be yourself and confident in your own skin. Get a therapist or a coach if you have to - far better use of the money you spend drinking and then literally flush away.
I like the taste	You've learnt to like the taste. Watch a child's face trying strong alcoholic drink for the first time. Is that a face of enjoyment?
I like it	Have you really questioned that? The end to end experience and what it costs you in every way. I like cake but I don't eat cake like people drink alcohol.
I don’t know what I would do with out it	Erm... see your friends. You probably won't want to stay out all night wobbling around because you won't be jacked up. So you will go home when you feel tired and enjoy a good nights sleep. You can still see your friends for lunch or dinner, you just drive yourself home with your make up not halfway down your face.
I need a drink in my hands for selfies and photos with my friends	What are you actually saying about yourself posing with a drink? What I see is: 'I need this for a picture', 'This drink makes me look better', 'I am not confident without this drink in my hand and taking up some of the focus', 'Alcohol is part of my identity'. I would love to see people stop posing with drinks. I personally think its socially irresponsible.
I only have one / some	Why bother? The latest research shows there is no safe amount (WHO). Its linked to over 200 diseases. Across a week, each 'one' adds up in calories, sugar and the alcohol itself which erodes the quality of your sleep.
Everyone I know drinks, and my partner / spouse	If you knew they would accept your decision to not drink, even admire it, and you would enjoy social events with them and love all the benefits you personally gain from being alcohol free, what would you do?

These limiting beliefs are engrained from us from our parents, role models, social media and society. But they are just beliefs which can and often do change. Its hard and scary to initially break the norm in our social groups or families of keeping our feet on the ground, when they are addicted to tightrope living. But you can live side by side. I have found the more I have stayed off it, the more other people around me have stayed off theirs and happily made changes that they are proud of.

What are you honestly putting your attention on, your friends or alcohol?

I've realised that this is the perspective that’s helped me get through events. I keep my feet on the ground, enjoy my time with friends and whatever we are doing - that’s my primary focus.

When people get too wobbly and in a different zone to me, I happily leave. I got what I came for, a nice time with friends before they had too much, then I walk away and give my attention to something else I like doing. There is nothing more empowering than driving yourself home in the evening after seeing friends, getting into bed and having the mental capacity to read a book for bit. And then wake up fresh as a daisy.

I have so much more energy, hobbies and interests now compared to when I was addicted to tightrope living, not to mention all the wellbeing benefits from being alcohol free.

Take stock

1. My recommendation is have a think about your patterns of drinking, how it really makes you feel.
   

2. Think honestly about your relationship to alcohol with self-compassion. This really important because it is one of the most addictive substances on the planet. It's not designed to be moderated. To help with this, do a pro's and con's list and be brutally honest with yourself.
   

3. After step 2, the next time you are drinking alcohol, say to yourself 'I choose this' and see what comes up for you.

Go on your own journey of learning

Since stopping I have done some reading around the topic which I really recommend for people who are sober curious. There is tonnes of new evidence about alcohol that just isn't common knowledge. Learning is really helpful in shifting your perspectives. I believe if alcohol was discovered today, it wouldn't be legal.

Here are links to my story and experiences, all of which I promise are in a warmer tone to this blog :)

• My first year - click here  

• My second year - click here

• Alcohol in the workplace - click here

There is a growing sober community out there on Instagram and Tik Tok etc. Some of the people I recommend following on Instagram are:

• Andy Rammage

• Emily Horwood

• William Porter

• Alcohol Change UK

• Janey Lee Grace

• Kate Taylor

• Annie Grace

• David Wilson

• James Wanwick

Facebook have lots of sober groups that are free to join too. Books I recommend and authors to look for on podcasts:

• Alcohol Explained - By William Porter

• This Naked Mind - By Annie Grace

• Happy Healthy Sober - Janey Lee Grace

• The unexpected joy of being sober - Catherine Gray

Watch a great video from Andrew Huberman sharing recent research on Instagram here.

Well done for reading this blog. It’s a tough message but I believe if you have come this far then it was meant for you. Please know my intention today is tough love. I genuinely hope that a little part of you has woken up a smidge more about your relationship with alcohol and you will take positive action. Especially if this is a topic you are ruminating on as I know so many people are.

Louisa x